552187917 i just lasted 20 seconds in bed
my girlfriend just left my house
i think were no longer going out
595378072 i like to wrap string round my willy and STRANGLE THE BASTARD
409630461 i was working at a small italian restaurant, and had to take a big dump, but the toilet wouldn't flush all the little dumplings... so, instead of flushing again, i picked out the dumpling with some toilet paper, wrapped it up like a mummy, and threw it in the waste paper basket.
i don't think anyone could smell it.
587615985 This isn't so much a confession but an epiphany. Or maybe it's a confession about how dumb I am. But here it is.
An apple is a miracle. Not in a god kind of miracle but a nature kind of miracle.
I mean, this fucking tree, in the dirt, made of wood and bark, grows a flower. And that flower turns into a big, round, shiny, delicious, juicy fruit.
I mean a fucking tree collects some water and sunlight and it makes a motherfucking APPLE! They're so fucking tasty and delicious and they're like the perfect food and a fucking TREE just makes them NATURALLY!
Nature blows my fucking mind, man
God, i wanna be you.
I laughed at the last two the most, they're so great ahhaha and the first two are just ridiculous.